101 ways to make your slave feel owned (ie, loved) Because yes, they’re totally the same thing.

Anther critique of a publicly available writing I’ve read from a few different sources now.

1. Have her wear slave bells. The constant soft jingling of the bells is soothing and a certain reminder of her submission.

Yes, because constant bells is soothing and not fucking annoying.

2. When she has broken a rule, talk to her as You punish….and make her speak in detail about why what she did was wrong.

Adding in emotional manipulation while already going through a punishment is the key to my submission too.

3. Make her take her shoes off every day as soon as she enters Your house.

I have no problem with this one, actually. People who wear shoes when at home are weird.

4. A beautiful, special collar will make any slave joyous. Take the time to select the right one, and have her wear it as often as possible.

Joyous? Hah.

5. Have her call You each day at a specified time, no excuses.

Because life always runs exactly to schedule and unexpected things never turn up.

6. Give her anklets and tell her she must wear one of them every day, no excuses.

Anklets are really annoying, actually. Especially if you have man ankles, like me.

7. Whenever possible (i.e. no curious young-uns about), have her kneel before You and ask to accompany You upon the furniture.

Oh masterful sir-iness, may I please have the pleasure of cuddling and letting you grope my boobs while we watch tv?

8. Choose her hairstyle and go with her to get it cut to Your specifications.

Hahahaha, yeah, no. My body, my rules. And besides, my hair is tempestuous at the best of times. I get to decide how it goes, because I am the one that has to live with it.

9. Whenever possible (i.e. no curious young-uns about), have her display herself whenever You come into the room…..legs spread, shirt unbuttoned. No matter what position You take, she is to be sure Your view is unobstructed

This is one I don’t get. ‘Display’ myself? Display what? You want to see my vagina all the time? I promise my face is much more attractive.

10. When around the kids or vanilla friends/family, make sure she has an alternative title for You besides Master…..such as “my Love” etc.

Good rule. Really common sense that more people should realise. Chasing someone down a shopping centre aisle shouting “master domliest sir’ isn’t a good look.

11. Use her sexually in a rough, selfish way when You feel like it….interrupting whatever she was doing.

Sure, that work didn’t need doing. And that hot water I was holding, totally appreciate having it spilled. Obviously anything I could be doing would not be anywhere near as important as you having your 30 seconds of enjoyment.

12. Chose a food that she dislikes and have her eat a small portion every day for a week.

I would shoot you. I have a fairly great appreciation of food, if I don’t eat something, there’s a reason. And besides, I (usually) do the cooking. Moot point.

13. Have her crawl to bed each night.

Oh domly siriness, may I please have knee pads?

14. Bring her a stuffed animal each time You go out of town.

This one I can get behind. More elephants for my elephant sanctuary.

15. Choose her clothing each day.

This micromanaging thing is weird. Each day? Does that mean you’re going to take an inventory, keep in mind what I’ve worn when, when I’ve done the washing, what’s ironed or not….yeah, no. Picking clothes in a morning daze as I’m trying to get out the door is how it will be done.

16. Have her get Your daily wardrobe ready for You the night before….laid out, ironed etc.

How about I pick my clothes, you pick yours and let’s move on.

17. After punishment, have her kiss Your boots and thank You for loving her enough to correct her.

How about you love me enough to remember I’m a consenting adult…

18. Have her bring a warm towel and wash and massage Your feet each day after work.

Ugh, feet water.

19. Get her tattooed (Your choice of art and location).

HAHAHAHAHA. That could definitely never, ever end badly.

20. Get her pierced (or preferably if You are trained, do it Yourself).

I doubt whoever wrote this was trained, and again, no.

21. Get her branded.

Permantly mark someone, that way they will always remember how much you love them. Got it.

22. Respect, but push her limits.

Sure, consent isn’t a thing, got it. It’s not like limits exist for a reason, you’re a dom! Limits are clearly second to your domliness.

23. Ask her each night what she did that day that You would not have approved of. grin This gets her in the habit of being completely honest, and also makes her conscious of the things she could do better each day.

It also gets her in the habit of being emotionally manipulated and made to remember she is a secondary human being. That is also clearly the only way of insuring a person is completely honest and makes her hyper aware of her insecurities.

24. Teach her exactly how You want her to kneel, and demand perfection.

Perfection in a human being. Totally exists. Definitely

25. Reward her by allowing her to please You sexually.

It’s true, sucking penises is often how I enjoy being rewarded. No chocolate or praise for me, please sick your phallus down my throat.

26. Supervise her workout routine.

Yes, because my body needs to be improved. The very nature of being submissive means that I am somehow imperfect. Got it.

27. Each night she is to kneel next to the bed asking permission to sleep with her Master, and each night she does, she is to kneel by the bed in the morning and thank her Master for the privilege.

Lol. Because we’re in a D/s relationship, we will definitely now go to sleep at the same time. My morning thanks would definitely not be answered by snores.

28. Have her polish Your boots weekly, on her knees at Your feet.

Slaves knees must get very sore.

29. Negotiate until you are both comfortable with the terms and then sign a contract.

Why does there always have to be a contract?

30. Giver her a writing assignment: “The definition of Pain – 1000 words”

Pain: (noun) physical discomfort or suffering caused by illness or injury.

Dictionaries. Find one.

31. Have her keep a diary of her journey into submission.

Day 1: zomg, i totes love my master, he’s the best ever!!!!11?!!

Day 2: Fuck this shit, I’m out.

32. Instruct her that she may never get herself something to eat or drink in Your presence without first asking You if You want something.

I know you’re asleep, and it’s pretty clear that you’re probably not going to want to eat, but please, let me wake you up just to make sure :)

33. Some evenings, keep her on a leash and take her with You no matter what You do….even if You do not speak to her or include her in Your activities.

Certainly, I never have things to do in the evening. And I love it when my partner ignores me. Makes me feel super loved.

34. When appropriate, she is to speak when spoken to.

When is it not appropriate to speak when spoken to?

35. Reward her by giving her delicious pleasure.

Now there’s a reward more up my alley.

36. On occasion, share her.

There’s that nifty consent thing again. Because sure, random sex. STI’s for all!

37. When it suits You, instruct her not to make eye contact with You without Your command.

I too like to cower from my partner.

38. Have her keep her body clean shaven at all times.

Baldness is in this summer. It’s a good look.

39. Conduct random inspections of her body to make sure she keeps herself to Your specifications.

I’m not a house being rented. And what are you going to do, make sure my hip to waist ratio is preserved? Count to make sure all my stretch marks are still there?

40. Make her wear a butt-plug under her clothes whenever she goes out alone.

Woot, funtimes. Hopefully she won’t need to use the bathroom1

41. For transgressions: have her write Your name on the bottom of her foot and tell her to remember she is walking on You with each step. (This is harder to do that You might think….)

I can actually walk on you with every step. Just lie on the ground for a second.

42. Master the art of the meaningful piercing stare…..

Coincidently, I’ll probably be mastering the art of giggling at the same time.

43. Give her reading assignments.

Sure thing, I like reading. I almost certainly do more of it than you.

44. Test her on the reading assignments, to make sure she learned the appropriate lessons from each.

Let’s be honest, I probably understood it better than you did.

45. Instruct her to keep her toenails painted perfectly everyday, and check to see that they are before bed

Toenails? That’s oddly specific. Also, what’s with the feet theme?

46. Make it her responsibility to put the toys away after play and punishment, and to keep them clean and neat.

If you play with them, you put them away. It takes two to tango, so everyone contributes.

47. Reward her by letting her name her favorite scene, toys, etc.

Name my favourite scene? Does that mean I get to pick it or find a name for it? Because, if I get to name things as a reward, I’m going to name your penis ‘Princess Rainbow Lollipops’

48. Call her Your slut, Your pet, etc.

Or ask her what names works for her…

49. Have her make a list of the 10 things that make her the most self-conscious, uncomfortable or embarrassed.

50. Work with her, having her do the things on the list (if possible), so that she conquers those fears and hesitations.

Laying insecurities bare to be seen, judged and then told that they need to disappear is clearly the best way to do it.

That’s what I would say, if I didn’t know that BDSM had curative powers and being involved in a D/s relationship is definitely better than getting a psychologist

51. Sometimes, pamper her…..wash her body and hair, having her remain perfectly still as You turn her and move her about.

Have her remain perfectly still while you move her. Physics!

52. Hand feed her like a small child on occasion.

Like small children, I like to bite

53. Have her eat from a dog bowl on occasion.

Am I a small child or a dog? It’s confusing for a slave to know these things, consistency.

54. For transgressions: make her wear a sign to the next public function naming her crime. (ouch)

So, she has to daily tell you what she’s done that you wouldn’t approve of and then you’re going to publicly humiliate her for it. Seems legit.

55. Praise her dedication when she has pleased You well.

Or you could praise the pleasure or just me. Because ‘dedication’ makes it seem like she’s sticking it out for the sake of sticking it out. Which would be stupid.

56. Instruct her that she is never to touch Your body without permission.

But how do I wake you up to offer thanks in the morning?!

57. Have her write a meditation about her submission, devotion and trust in You….to be said aloud each night before falling asleep.

That’s not what meditation is. A dictionary wouldn’t go amiss in your household.

58. Some days allow her no clothing whatsoever (when practical).

Yeah, that’s right, clothing is for pussies. Or masters, apparently.

59. For transgressions: deny her play. No pain for you, bad girl….hehehe.

Oh my, removing physical intimacy as a punishment. That’s definitely going to strengthen the relationship and not become emotional bullying.

60. In the same ilk, For transgressions: deny her orgasm…..give her sex, but she can’t cum.

For me personally, I don’t get that one. Probably because I orgasm in my sleep, so it always feels like a moot point.

61. For transgressions: Command that she is to be silent for a week. She may not speak, and will take whatever pain or pleasure You give as silently as possible.

The real world definitely does not exist. I can’t imagine why I’d need to talk over the course of a whole week. Really, I should just be silent all the time. Talking is never necessary.

62. Treat her like a pet in front of friends, making her present herself, turn herself, etc.

Pet’s don’t ‘present’. They beg, fetch, play, demand attention, affection and love. Pet play is awesome, but it actually has to be pet play.

63. Giver her a writing assignment: “The definition of Obedience – 1000 words”

Obedience: (noun) 1. compliance with someone’s wishes or orders, or acknowledgement of their authority. 2. Submission to a law or rule.

Bratty little shit: (noun) Me.

64. Have her wear a toe ring.

Even more fucking annoying than anklets. But again with the feet.

65. Tell her one morning that she must cum for You 15 times that day, and then write about the day.

My day: it was kind of boring and monotonous and sure, I orgasmed 15 times, but now I’m sore and tired and there’s no dinner.

66. Have her wear nipple clamps under her clothing out to dinner.

Because nipple clamps are definitely safe to wear for long periods of time. I don’t need my nipples after dinner, of course not!

67. On Your birthday, let her receive Your spankings.

Or you could do something different to celebrate the occasion….

68. Spend time training her how to move gracefully to please You.

Personally, I prefer clomping around as loudly as possible, always remembering that I am walking on You.

69. For transgressions: stand her in the corner like a 3 year old.

Sweet, time out! I get to disassociate from the world.

70. Always flog her after completion of a task, even if it was satisfactory. A well flogged slave is a happy slave.

Oh, certainly, you understand the complexities of humanity so well. Flogging is the one thing I need to make me happy, you definitely hit the nail on the head with that one.

71. Speak about her as if she were not present.

An ignored slave is a happy slave.

72. For transgressions: deny her any D/s at all for a week…..letting her do just as she pleases, not allowing her to serve You in any way, no punishment, no instruction, no play, banning titles of respect, etc. This will shame her and certainly make her strive to please You when it is over and she is in her place again.

Or, she’ll use that week to come to her senses and realise that you’re an a grade wanker and she needs to get the fuck out of there as soon as possible. Because, again, denying physical intimacy and changing a power dynamic as punishment is not a punishment, but emotional neglect.

73. Defend her honor to those who would disrespect Your prized possession.

Well, there’s the wording, but mostly I agree.

74. Pet her often.

A well petted slave is a happy slave.

75. Make her be webMistress for Your huge site, DallasBDSM. hehehehe

a) that’s not funny. b) if you decide to take on a responsibility, it’s your responsibility. Don’t lump your burdens on to me. c) I would let the power get to my head and banhammer everyone.

76. Whenever possible (i.e. no young-uns about), have her sleep in a cage.

That way, she can’t escape in the night!

77. Buy her sexy or slutty clothes to Your liking.

That’s an original one.

78. Teach her things….expand her knowledge…..in a patient Fatherly way.

That would assume you are the smarter partner. With this list…who are you trying to fool?

79. When You are away, call her and have her masturbate for You.

Phone sex. How kinky.

80. If You choose to play with others, make sure Your slave knows who is first in Your heart…..and that some things are just for her.

Alternatively, you could be a considerate partner and discuss and negotiate things before hand with her, to make sure she is in agreement to anything happening. Because consent and communication!

81. Remember her birthday.

That’s easy, it’ll be the day she gets spankings….

82. Lead her with a loving fist in her hair.

That’s the domly way!

83. Wake her each morning with an assigned task for the day…..and make sure it is done by day’s end.

But she’s supposed to kneel and thank you upon waking. Inconsistencies, the key to true D/s!

84. Teach her patience.

A relationship with you should do that.

85. Videotape Your sessions and watch them together.

Self made porn. How unique.

86. On long trips, have her wear double dildo latex underwear.

Because that’s practical! A dildo in me for a long trip of (presumably) sitting. That’s not going to end badly either.

87. Hand feed her chocolate.

Mmmm, chocolate.

88. Have her place her regular wear shoes in a line by the front door.

They should be in a straight line with the laces tucked inside, or the buckles buckled. Inspect them periodically.

Your OCD should not be her OCD….

89. Keep a list of her transgressions in a little book….let her slip for a while…thinking You are not noticing…..then one day, bring out the book and have a day of atonement.

So, you’re going to make her tell you how she’s done wrong, publicly humiliate her for it, then write it all in a book and punish her for it also. Why do you think she’s going to be honest?

90. Tickle her just because You can.

Knee him in the balls because you can (at least, that’s my automatic defense to being tickled)

91. Have her be perfectly still and quiet while You bring her extreme pleasure…..when she moves or makes a sound punish her then return to the pleasure.

I would be royally screwed, what with all my involuntary spamming. Because clearly silent door mats are the best type of submissives. God forbid a submissive show pleasure or enjoy sex.

92. Keep her locked in her collar when You are home. You place it on her…..having her kneel. Wear the key to the lock around Your neck.

And then, if you get separated or something bad happens, that’s going to be lots of fun!

93. When possible, have her cook and serve Your dinner wearing nothing but an apron and collar.

That’s hygenic.

94. Buy her a Polaroid camera and give her assignments to take pictures of herself for You in certain outfits or positions, etc.

Everyone loves someone who thinks they’re a photographer. And clearly polaroids make the best kind of pictures. That said, if you can find a polaroid and film these days, kudos to you!

95. Remember to kiss and caress away her tears.

Or don’t make her cry?

96. Don’t be afraid to bring her to tears, for they are Yours as well.

I’m not even going to pretend that that sentence makes sense. I’m gonna stick with the ‘don’t make her cry’. Unless she likes it, then go for your life.

97. Take her and the dog to the park, both on leashes.

Yay, let’s non-consentually subject the general public to your displays of kink. That will end well.

98. Caress her, whisper into her ear that You love her, nibble on her belly, lick her thighs and make love to her until she cries.

That’s oddly specific. I also don’t do cannibalism.

99. Have her fall asleep with Your cock in her mouth and tell her You expect it to be there when You awake.

That’s going to be a really awkward way to find out I grind my teeth in my sleep.

100. Occasionally, fulfill her fantasy.

Yes, it’s important that she doesn’t get sexually fulfilled. Submissives are not required to get sexual fulfillment in their relationships.

101. Master’s word is the last word.



102. Make sure that she is safe at all times….when with You and when You are apart (to the best of Your ability). Keep her vehicle in good working order, make sure she has emergency money and a cell phone to call for help if needed.

What person in the 21st Century doesn’t have their own mobile, or money? Although, giving a submissive money is a big risk, she may spend it on lipstick or perfume or some other frivolous thing!

103. Be consistent.

Indeed. Start with this list.

104. Take the time to talk to her…..learn her fears, her dreams and fantasies. Use Your knowledge.

Communication in a relationship?! What nonsense is this?!

105. When You go out of town, forbid her to shave her sex. Shave her Yourself when You return.

That’s going to end in blood and pain.

106. Specify exactly how she will address You in private and in public.

This one is practical. Although it was mentioned previously. Make sure not to have any redundancies in lists.

107. If You are willing to correct her each time she forgets until it is a habit, have her refer to herself as “this slave” or “this girl” etc.

Why do people feel the need to butcher the language in order to do D/s?? This reader finds it very upsetting.

Also, I didn’t read over this post before posting it. To be frank, once hurt my brain enough. If you go this far, I hope you enjoyed my snark.

14 thoughts on “101 ways to make your slave feel owned (ie, loved) Because yes, they’re totally the same thing.

  1. This is hilarious! Sounds like it’s out of the Morman manual. If I ever get myself a Mistress I’ll get some knee pads and make sure she feeds me chopped liver everyday to feel loved. Not sure about piercings though….as long as she stays away from my Princess Rainbow Lolipop. As for point 9. you underestimate the attractiveness of the vagina to men, especially with glitter on it.

  2. It’s clear you are a submissive or a bottom, not a slave. That’s cool. And no couple would want to implement more than a few of these. But I am pretty sure a lot of them work well in different circumstances.

    Personally, I will have my girl read these (on a less judge mental site) and pick a few that she likes and we can discuss them. We’ll see if we can make them work.

    • Thanks for the comment!

      My sexuality is not clear, nor do I think it has a bearing on this piece. This was clearly a satirical/snarky piece, poking fun at the general idea behind it. I agree that no one would want to implement more than a few things on that list, there are even a few that I would be interested in. But the idea that the whole list should be implemented and followed is a little ridiculous, you must admit.

      If your girl likes them, then power to her. But I don’t think this was judgemental so much as realising that functioning in the world would make following that list in its entirety completely impossible.

  3. for the truly toxic..there are those ‘128 rules’..THIS is an improvement, though sadly for many, still a kind of guide.

  4. I know this is somewhat old, but I just stumbled across it(Oh the glory of the internets)
    This is amusing. Both the guide/rules and your remarks(Actually, I enjoyed those more).

    Some of those I do/would apply. A lot of those(most of the ones you truly enjoyed making fun of) make no sense to me either.
    And you are right, your personal life style has no meaning towards this piece of writing.

    And while, yes, it is for a “slave” as one person pointed out, I’ve never liked people who emotionally or physically abused those they said they’d take care of just for personal gain. A real Dom/Sub relationship had it almost pinned down in one rule by itself.
    Make sure she’s taken care of, but it should have stopped there and went on with; and that she knows she is wanted by You.

    Any partner that loses touch with the feeling of being wanted begins to second guess everything within the relationship. And much like any kind of branding… it will probably end badly.

    I will say, while I would never try to micromanage what my sub wears ALL the time, there are times I might get her something with expectations of her wearing it, but generally, tell her what I will be wearing at such a time and place, and give her x hours and money to meet me there dressed to match. And enforcing silly bits of jewelry? No.. She knows what looks good on her and how her hair would look best(Or her stylist). Let them deal with that silly stuff.

    If she’s a true slave/sub.. or hell, even just in love with you, she’ll Go out of her way to get her hair and make up done on a simple request from the partner. There is no need of reminders. Surprises are nice though..

    I can’t speak for all doms/masters, but I know if it isn’t something I would want done to me or something I wouldn’t wear, I wouldn’t make her wear it/do it. And any self respecting master should be the same.

    When you come across someone that truly wants to live in a S/D life style, right from the start you have to draw lines of what both parties expect. Unless both sides are accustomed to it, there is going to be let downs somewhere, or hesitancy and lots of uncertainty. With the rise of a few poorly written, dare I say Novels? No… books. People just don’t know what to expect as real. I wonder how much experience the author truly had with any of that.

    Sorry, this ended up longer than I thought it would,

    • Not single, have had love, do have love, and will have it again.

      You, on the other hand, had better get comfortable with your hand as the most contact you’ll ever get with another person.

  5. You’re clearly not the type to get into a master/slave relationship. Any slave or submissive would do these things, because there is a level of respect between the dom and the submissive. It isn’t just black & white. A slave WANTS to feel owned. You clearly do not, so maybe instead of writing a whole blog about how you disagree with it, just merely turn away from it and write about other things?

    • Obviously not any slave or submissive would do these things, because this submissive would not.

      I clearly have a whole blog full of other posts with other opinions about a bevy of topics, both kink and not. This post was designed to be a humerous rebuttal of frankly silly things many people assume come with the territory of being submissive. Just because you’re submissive does not mean you will automatically do these things, nor should you. I think it’s important that people remember that we are all still real people with thoughts and actions, regardless of our sexual/kink identity.

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